For some people, it can mainly manifest itself through crippling confusion, guilt, and shame. Your mind goes in endless loops thinking about how worthless you are and how everything is ruined. There’s really no way to escape it to any meaningful degree. Getting out of bed is the biggest struggle in the world. Faking a smile is the biggest struggle in the world. You talk to people and try to sound happy, because that’s what puts them at ease, but something terribly depressing inevitably slips out and you watch them grow uncomfortable and try to avoid you. Some people want to have nothing to do with you and actively avoid you, and others treat you with condescending pity. You watch as your friends get fed up and leave you—most of them think you’re being ridiculous and playing helpless—but you really are struggling intensely. People just don’t get it. It feels like this whirlwind in your life that you have no control over, sweeping through, fucking up everything. Your grades tank. Your relationships tank. You feel like you’re a huge embarrassment to yourself and everyone else. Everything looks utterly hopeless, and your brain is convinced that they will never change. You feel like the only escape from all of that is suicide, but you can’t do that because you’ll destroy the people you love. So you keep on grinding through.
—on depression
